Maelstrom

Maelstrom 6.5

2007-11-05T19:09:00.000-08:00

Hello, everyone! Maelstrom's Photo Foolery Issue is now available!

In this issue, we've taken actual photos from credible news sources, and written out-of-context articles about them.

Please enjoy this big, fat, 12 page issue.

Maelstrom, New and Improved!

2007-10-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

In addition to being distributed on the Baldwin-Wallace campus, Maelstrom will now be sent electronically in a PDF format.

To subscribe to Maelstrom, please send an e-mail to maelstrombw@gmail.com with "SUBSCRIBE" in the subject line.

We'll love ya forever!

Sporting Points & Counterpoints

2007-10-16T20:43:00.000-07:00

This article first appeared in Maelstrom's Sports Issue on October 9th, 2007.

Point: Yahoo For Wahoo!
By Staff Writer James Morovich

As a big fan of the Cleveland Indians, I am absolutely appalled by the way the media has treated this team in recent weeks. Ever since football season began on September 9th, all the local talk shows and newspapers can talk about his the Browns! Why is this? Okay think about this, since the rebirth of the franchise in 1999, the Browns have made the playoffs once, and it was as a wild card team with a 9-7 record in the 2002 season. They lost out in the very first game. In that same amount of time the Indians won now three division titles. Why does our love affair with this lousy football continue!

For example, on September 9th, the Browns had their season opener against rivals Pittsburgh Steelers. They were crushed 45-7. On that same day, the Indians played a nationally televised ESPN prime time game against the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim and riding the 3-run homer from Ryan Garko, and the strong pitching of rookie Aaron Laffey, won 6-2. However, guess what the Plain Dealer sports headlines talked more about the next morning: The Browns, and guess what most sports talk radio was ranting about the entire week following the Pittsburgh plastering: The Browns!

So all I can ask you dear reader is why? Why does the general public and publications in this city whine about the inadequacies of our horrendous football team when we have a potential World Series caliber baseball team in town? My answer is simple: for some ridiculous reason, Cleveland is a football town. The only thing that might possibly produce a change is if the Indians can go all the way and win the world series' this year. They have won the division so the sky is the limit!

Counterpoint: Real Men Wear Tight Shiny Pants
By Staff Writer Kyle Anderson

The Cleveland Browns deserve the attention of the media over the Indians. There isn’t any question. Why would anyone want to read coverage on a flock of nancy boys who are too afraid to put on the pads and take a tackle like real men?

So what if the Indians are in the playoffs this year? That isn’t going to make the games interesting and exciting to watch. Look at the scoring system in baseball. Scores in baseball fall far from the illustrious scores of a football game. Just a few weeks ago, the Browns scored 51 points against the Cincinnati Bengals. I’d like to see the Indians score that many points in one of their games. And it isn’t exactly hard to score in baseball. All you have to do is hit a ball with a stick. I could do that. In football, you have to push your way through several large men whose only objective is to layer on the pain, and then you have sprint all the way to the end-zone and hope someone on defense doesn’t clip your leg and blow out your ACL. That’s an expensive surgery right there.

Also, the only people who care about baseball are women. Last time I checked, I wasn’t a woman. I was a red meat-eating son of a bitch with man parts and a hard-on for the gridiron. As we know, women shouldn’t be watching the news or reading newspapers. That’s a man’s job. So why the media should be focusing on the Indians when everyone already knows that women shouldn’t be watching is anyone’s guess. The media should leave broadcasting Indians news to the Lifetime network. It’s television for women, or at least that’s what the commercials say. Not that I’m watching Lifetime. I have to flip by it when I switch between ESPN and ESPN2.

Shared Secrets, Broken Links

2007-05-11T12:59:00.000-07:00

Hey there, Maelstromites!

Just so you know, Maelstrom now has an official salute/yell, and it looks like this:

We also have a signature cry which sounds like this:

And then there's the official Maelstrom symbol, but I think the picture speaks for itself:

Best Of!

2007-04-23T14:47:00.000-07:00

This week, Maelstrom has its final issue of the year. Sad, isn't it? Well, just to tide you over until the fall, we give you one article from each writer!

Don't get too excited.

The "Best Of" issue is when we all get together and think up random categories, then vote on the best candidates for each category. Annual categories include: "Best Pocket-Sized Professor" and "Biggest Douchebag," which you'll have to subscribe to us to see.

If you'd like to see a full list of awards, drop us an email at maelstrombw@gmail.com. Also, if you want to be our friend (because right now, you're definitely NOT our friend, and totally not invited to our birthday party) then go to myspace.com/maelstrombw to learn a bit about us, and add us as your myspace friend--it's the least arbitrary of all social networking site friendships.

Lastly, before we get to the articles, we'd like to give a shout-out to our "Best Graduate," Scott Ramage. He's been writing for two years and has given the Maelstrom some classic articles, such as his Ohayocon series. He's also the father of the "Review of a...I Haven't Seen" column. Scott, you rock! Just please don't kill us....

Now, ON TO THE ARTICLES! MUSH!

Best Bathroom Graffiti: North Hall Boy's Room.
By Staff Writer Kyle Anderson
When I occasionally have to remove wastes from my body by means of the loo, I always stare at the graffiti in the Little Boy’s Room on the first floor of North Hall. Etched in the door is the word “VIDUTH”. I have no idea what that means. Maybe it’s an acronym. Venereal infections don’t upset Tom Hanks? Vicious international dogs urinate tasty honey? It could be any of these wonderful things. And yet, there it is every time I have to spew from my lower regions, taunting me like an innocent bystander waving a cherry-flavored Pop-Tart at one Ted Kennedy.

Best Narcissistic Couple: Marissa DeSantis and Camilo Villa (even though it SHOULD include Adam Bowers.)
By Assistant Editor-in-Chief Adam Bowers
At our last meeting, Marissa and Camilo jumped up on this one. So, apparently they are the best narcissistic couple. I admit, I’m a bit jealous, because I know that my narcissism rivals both of their’s like no other. I should be the best narcissist! ME, ME, MEEE!!!!
But let’s face it. All Maelstromites are narcissists. That is, except for Andrea, because she doesn’t like to be naked.

Art by Adam Bowers

Creepiest Christian: Charlie Hall.

By Staff Writer Andrew Chick
In lieu of the many posters I have seen around campus in the past few weeks, I would like to dedicate a poem to the unanimous choice for Creepy Christian of the Year. For those of you who don’t know who I speak of when I say Charlie Hall, try and remember the posters where the guy with the huge goatee is leaning over with his hands clasped towards some light, presumably God’s. This poem, Charlie, is for you and all you call friends:

Your beard your beard your beard
Takes me to the light.
So weird so weird so weird
That its you in my room tonight

Jesus Jesus Jesus
Is the man of the hour
So please us please us please us
Charlie, with your songs that show his power

Your glances glances glances,
Bring us all towards that light
Whats the chances chances chances?
You’ll tag a Crusade girl tonight?
Congratulations again Charlie. You are so beautiful.

Best Animal Mating Ritual: Giant Squid Sperm Darts

By Editor-in-Chief Marissa DeSantis
When a male giant squid washed up on the shores of Spain in 2005, scientists’ beliefs about the cephalopod’s secret sex life were confirmed. It’s true: male giant squids shoot sperm darts. Gifted with a sex organ the size of their body (excluding head and tentacles), the male giant squid is able to ram little pointy packets of squid jizz into his lady friend. Giant squid lovemaking is highly regarded as one of the most violent forms of reproduction in the animal kingdom (perhaps second only to that thing where the gal praying mantis eats her impregnator). Maybe the sexual behavior of the giant squid is still largely a mystery, but we do know that there are sperm darts involved, and that’s enough for me. Sperm darts. Heh.

Best Song of the School Year: "This is Why I'm Hot."

By Staff Writer Cate Laskovics

At first I wasn’t sure what the best song was. Then I heard it and I just knew. Love at first listen; I got chills. The bass and his melodic voice told me, “This is why I’m hot” (repeat 8 times to get full effect).

I thought to myself, Alright Mr. Mims. I’ll bite. Why are you hot?

He’s hot ‘cause he’s fly if you weren’t already aware.
Bold statement sir, but I’m gonna need some specifics.
Let’s just say that song has more than enough evidence of why he’s hot. If you have yet to hear this savory piece of heaven, it consists of Mims doing his day to day and people telling him he’s great. He gets hyphy in the Bay and he’s into big spinners. Pretty impressive.

Best Worst Speller: Adam Bowers
By Staff Writer Scott Ramage
Whether he’s studying “obroad” or “editting” the latest issue, Adam Bowers is, far and away, the Maelstrom Spelling Champion. Few can argue that Adam’s “spuhnk” and “humeor” have been an asset since his arrival, but even fewer can match the sheer “genious” of Adam’s spelling prowess. Since his vigorous training leading up to the sixth grade, Adam has “pursevered” through every “chalenge” he’s faced, including a one-on-one spelling street fight with the spelling bee champion of “Caleforniuh” in which Adam “domenated” his opponent.
Middle school was no “wolk” in the “parc” either, as his teachers made every attempt to deter his spelling “habbits.” Adam, however, would have “nune” of it, appealing to the Board of “Edyocayshon” for the right to spell words “corectle.” Bowers won his appeal, earning himself a place in local “histry” as the Spelling Spelunker, due to his “pleys” on the middle school “swhim” team.
Through high school Adam’s “sucksess” continued, getting an A+++ on all of his “creaytive” writing assignments and earning numerous “submishions” to the high school literary “magozeen.” Adam would graduate with high “onours” and immediately “appleye” to Baldwin-Wallace College. It wasn’t long before he “acksepted” agreed to attend on a “skolourship” and majored in “kumeoonihcayshunS.” (The “S” is capitalized in the form of English in Adam’s homeland)
Adam Bowers, we “solute” you!

**Editor's note: Adam posted this blogger entry, and I had to personally go through it and correct a few errors of the spelling variety.

Best desks to use if you don’t like practicality: Marting and Dietsch desks.
By Staff Writer Joanna Smith.

By the third day of French class at BW, I stopped bringing books, paper, and pens to class with me. The desks in Dietsch and Marting Hall are completely useless for such things as writing, taking notes, having a book, and sitting for longer than three minutes without having permanent back damage. Any student that has had a class with these desks has mastered the art of balancing a book on the knee, a notebook on the 2-inch by 3-inch surface, and the instinct that if the person next to you gets up, you must hold their books in place until they return. Whoever invented these desks must have had 30 arms. Way to go, desk inventor.

Best Organized Crime: The Russian Mafia.

By Staff Writer Camilo Villa.
Move over Don Vito, there’s a new kneecapper in town. For years the Italians have cleaned up in the Best Organized Crime section of this issue. So long, in fact, that we stopped running this section. However, this year there’s a new bad boy in town. The Russian Mafia has been growing ever since the fall of the Soviet Union and is now kicking ass and taking names from Belarus to Colombia. Beating out not just the Italians, but also the Chinese and the Japanese, the vodka-swigging former oligarchs mean business. Maelstrom, of course, saw it coming. We knew it was all over for the Italians when Al Pacino starred in “Insomnia.”

So long, and thanks for a great year, Maelstrom readers!

Love, The Maelstom.

Maelstrom Goes Obvious

2007-03-26T16:55:00.000-07:00

Ever wonder what's not the best thing to say on a date? Well, one of our newest writers, Cate Laskovics, gives us the scoop with an actual scientific survey complete with charts and graphs--an article we bring to you from our second annual "Obvious Issue." In the Obvious Issue, we're merely telling you things that you should already know. So if anything seems suprising to you, we're really really sorry.

As always, to suscribe to the Maelstrom, drop us an email at maelstrombw@gmail.com.

Also, Maelstrom has now joined the elite and prestigious ranks of myspace to get our name out there. And for easier stalking purposes. Friend us; we're desperate: www.myspace.com/maelstrombw.

Now, on to the article!

Saying “discharge” on a date is creepy
By Staff Writer Cate Laskovics

“So I had a killer yeast infection last week.” “Once the red bumps popped they seemed to clear up, so there really wasn’t a need to go to the doctor.” “…and that’s the story of how I got my third restraining order.” “So it was just me and a stripper named Bernice…” “And then the cop says, ‘I don’t care if it’s your aunt’s donkey, it’s still drug trafficking!’”

Don’t say these things on a first date. A personal tip from me to you. Now some of you may be thinking, “Gee Cate, I would never! That’s gross.” I agree. However, some of you are reading this and your internal monologue is saying, “That’s really not that bad,” or, “Oops.”

I understand that everyone’s tolerance level is different. While one girl might love hearing about how GandalfsApprentice was such a n00b on WoW (World of Warcraft) last night, other girls may be disappointed, to say the least. Women also need to check what they say around the opposite sex. Most guys won’t care that Julie’s friend Allie called Katherine a slut in front of Rachel who everyone knows is Tony’s ex-girlfriend.

It’s all about finding that happy medium of common interests and acceptable conversation topics. If you refer to Graph 1, it allows you to see what your first date is probably looking for. If you remain within the boundaries of tolerable conversation topics, he or she is really not that interested in what you have to say. Nevertheless, when you start talking about things that are “out of bounds,” it won’t matter that you have great cleavage or that you can bench 280 lbs., they will think you are crazy and they will leave (See Graph 2).

To sum up, what you say becomes much more important when what you’re saying is disgusting, crazy, disturbing, too informative, etc…

I know what you’re thinking, “LOL Cate! But how do I know if what I’m saying produces those responses?” Just for you, I took the liberty of polling some of your peers and I found out which words would make them wince, throw up, or leave on a date. (Please refer to uncomfortability chart.) You’re welcome.

Uncomfortability Chart:

Graph 2:

Maelstrom Blows Up!

2007-02-20T06:37:00.000-08:00

Huzzah, Maelstromites! Volume 5 Issue 9 is out today!

This week we've got a special treat for everyone--it's a bit of an Easter Egg, a hidden gem, a special feature, if you will. And you don't even need to click out a weird combination of keys on your TV remote or Xbox controller to get to it! Bonus!

Maelstrom's would-be Staff Writers are required to submit writing samples for the consideration of the Editor-in-Chief and current Staff. Over the years, many of the samples have wowed the snarky scribes of Maelstrom, and a few of them have been fit to print right off the bat.

One of our newest writers, Andrew Chick, submitted one such article and impressed us with his potential. Instead of printing it, however, I'm including it in this blog entry. Enjoy!

Blowin' For the Win
By Staff Writer Andrew Chick

With the jackass-fest known as the Capitol acting like the Presidential election isn’t a year away, many newly-energized Democrats are throwing their proverbial hats into the uhhh “fire” of the Presidential race. With all the cookie cut-outs lining up for their chance to rule the world’s greatest and most important country (i.e. America) how can one set himself or herself apart from the muddled masses?

Taking a page out of hubbie’s book, Hilary Clinton (D-NY) thinks she has the answer. When asked her plan she frankly stated, “to blow my way to the top." Clinton went on to also say that she plans on “blowing anyone that will help me get there regardless of race, gender, or sexual persuasion." At this point Barack Obama supposedly gave a loud, “hell yeah, playa” and asked for “dap." While I find myself lost to why blowing on people will do anything but make them grab for a blazer or light jacket, this reporter has learned to never doubt a Clinton with a plan.

Hilary also said that it’s her platforms that potential voters should worry about. I first asked her about social security. She said her idea was to make it “good." When I hesitated she quickly added, “…or at least better." When asked about Medicare she told me that she is, “...really not sure what all that covers but that I'm sure it’s great."

At least point Mrs. Clinton was visibly tired from what she told me was already a long day of smoking pole. While this reporter thinks that any form of smoking isn’t a great idea especially with these new anti-smoking laws, he has, again, learned to never doubt a Clinton with a plan. From here Clinton hits the campaign trail hard for a year almost up until the elections. Unfortunately you’ll have to excuse me, all this wind is really making me feel great, I mean cold.

Thanks again for reading, and if you don't subscribe yet, send an e-mail to maelstrombw@gmail.com and get on that, buddy!

Love,
Marissa DeSantis
Editor-in-Chief, Maelstrom

Cat Pianos of Yesteryear!

2007-02-10T21:22:00.000-08:00

Hello, faithful readers.

I recently acquired the latest Shins album, "Wincing the Night Away." In the liner notes, James Mercer (lead singer) lists all of the instruments that he plays on the record, and one of them is the "cat piano." I'd just like to note that before those hipster Shins printed "cat piano" in their liner notes, Maelstrom got their hands on the very same kind of hissing harpsichord of sorts.

So for a first of many archived Maelstrom articles, here is a letter from the editors that appeared in Maelstrom on February 28, 2006 in Volume 4, Issue 10. It addresses the issue of the infamous Dick Cheney gun disaster, our lack of coverage of the Dick Cheney gun disaster, Oscar hopefuls, and of course, the cat piano. Enjoy it:

The Things We Neglected to Tell You

By Co-Editors-In-Slackery Marissa DeSantis and Lea Lange

Dick Cheney shot a man. And we were eating rice cakes. Well, not literally. The rice cakes are a metaphor for “doing other things.” Like maybe doing laundry. Or maybe watching sitcoms on ABC Family. Or maybe eating Necco Wafers and spaghetti (not together—that’s disgusting.) The point is that we missed out on reporting and satirizing a majorly ridiculous news event. And now we’re really kicking ourselves.
We were so slow on commenting on Dick Cheney’s hunting mishap, that a radio parody called “Cheney’s got a gun” has already spent two weeks in Casey Kasem’s weekly Top 40. And we were so late on reporting the rise of this hit single up the charts, that we didn’t even realize that Casey Kasem is no longer the host of the Weekly Top 40.

We were such slackers that there is already a website club dedicated to “Deadeye Dick” in cyberspace at http://www.dickcheneygunclub.com/. The team of overachievers who made us eat crow have already stocked up on hot Cheney merchandise. We’re talking t-shirts, mugs, bumper stickers, dog sweaters, onesies, and canvas tote bags.

We also neglected to report on the invention of a “new” instrument. Of course, the cat piano was actually invented over 350 years ago by German scholar Athanasius Kircher, but it’s new to us because we’ve been slacking off hardcore. And we don’t think that the cat piano exists anymore which is really a shame because it looks like it would be an absolute delight to play.

Next time we’ll do better. We’ll bring you the news that really matters. Like hunting mishaps and turn-of-the-century instruments that inflict pain on innocent household pets.
To make up for our lack of timely topical humor, here are our Oscar predictions:

Heath Ledger shoots Jake Gyllenhaal in the face and then falls in love with Philip Seymour Hoffman’s beard. Then Reese Witherspoon gives an “unplugged” performance as June Carter-Cash…on a cat piano!

A major chord = major pain!

Thanks for reading!

Marissa DeSantis

Editor-in-Chief, Maelstrom

A Maelstrom Beat! Exclusive!

2007-02-04T16:34:00.000-08:00

Hello, fellow Maelstromites! Don't forget to check out this Tuesday's special issue, Maelstrom Beat! All articles are written in the style of a teenybopper magazine. Here's a special preview by Staff Writer (and Photoshop whiz--the rest of us use MS Paint) Andrea Wade, featuring Baldwin-Wallace College's new President, Dick Durst.

Here it be!

2007-02-02T20:50:00.000-08:00

Welcome to the official blog of Maelstrom.
Here's a list of stuff that's coming soon:

Upcoming issue previews
Our best articles from each issue of Maelstrom, every second week of the month
Supplemental reading, quizzes, contests
Pin-ups of our hottest writers
"Music and Lyrics," starring Hugh Grant and Drew Barrymore, opening everywhere, Feb. 14th.

In the Next Issue of Maelstrom:

It's a theme issue! On Tuesday, February 6th, the second annual Maelstrom Beat! will go to press. Each article is smartly written in the style of a teenybopper magazine. Get ready for make-up tips, pin-ups of total hotties, dating advice, and other such banalities. Be sure to visit the blog for an exclusive interview with Dick Durst, B-W's president and dreamy star of "Presidents of the Caribbean."

Until then, keep on stirring things up!

Marissa DeSantis
Editor-in-Chief, Maelstrom